February 2012
92 posts
9 tags
monsters
majandrel:
Lost Scared Trapped Can’t escape No matter how hard I try Can’t be good Alway bad to the body Deserve to suffer Deserve to die In death I can finally know peace And I think the others will find peace too.
i know you dont feel strong enough to tell the monsters to fuck off
But you know Michael, Richard, indifferentshades and me are definitely smarter than them
They have...
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majandrel:
I can’t live with what’s inside me.
Your friend different shades told me yesterday that we shouldnt try hide our feelings, that they’re there whether they’re good or bad and we have to feel them.
i know we always try run from them because they’re scary and dangerous, but we never can ignore them, they keep catching up with you. So maybe seeing as you keep feeling...
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coincedence
You think maybe you feeling safe with the dog the mom is afraid of isnt coincidence?
That video you linked before about what its like having multiples really showed how “noise” is an understatement.
You all have a lot to say, and lots thats finally getting heard, and dealt with. Youz will be such a great team when it all settles and all this hard work and shittiness will be so...
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sad
Not pathetic. Really sad. Especially when you feel so much and there are people who feel so much for you. You should get to know what it all is and be able to pinpoint the good one, its not fair that you dont have that simple but hugely important comfort.
Why do you think you feel you need Michael so much? If he didnt care about you from a real loving place it wouldnt make the slightest...
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climbing out: majandrel: climbingout:... →
majandrel:
majandrel:
climbingout:
dfgkajhfg;kadhsgkharjhgao;rhgahr
i wish you were here.
Despite my usual zombie closedoffness if you’d walked through the door an hour ago im pretty sure i would have spent the rest of the night on the floor screaming or crying
Zombied here too. Wish we…
Michael going away so dont get to see him til tuesday. Very scared.
oh. Well that’s...
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majandrel:
climbingout:
dfgkajhfg;kadhsgkharjhgao;rhgahr
i wish you were here.
Despite my usual zombie closedoffness if you’d walked through the door an hour ago im pretty sure i would have spent the rest of the night on the floor screaming or crying
Zombied here too. Wish we could be there. So scared of the coming days. Have a bad feeling. Very afraid.
hate hate hate hate hate hate...
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dfgkajhfg;kadhsgkharjhgao;rhgahr
i wish you were here.
Despite my usual zombie closedoffness if you’d walked through the door an hour ago im pretty sure i would have spent the rest of the night on the floor screaming or crying
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climbing out: thankful →
indifferentshades:
climbingout:
i want to be thankful again. i get moments of seeing the beauty in the world, i mean i always know its there. but sometime it kills me that i am wasting it, not helping it or any par tof it anymore. And i want to be thankful for it again
im going to need to talk to someone about all this shit. i…
don’t shun them, i know this fight. but you can’t help what you...
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thankful
i want to be thankful again. i get moments of seeing the beauty in the world, i mean i always know its there. but sometime it kills me that i am wasting it, not helping it or any par tof it anymore. And i want to be thankful for it again
im going to need to talk to someone about all this shit. i think maybe if someone i trust, really really trust, told me that everytime i feel te urge to do xyz...
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to live again
“ You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you”
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ideas
majandrel:
I think I should run away.
i always feel like that.
But then think “where the hell is there to go?”
i dont think where we are makes a difference. Its us we need to work on.
i didnt know Miachael survived and lives a good life now. That makes me feel a little better. Like i thought we could get better, get free, but now that i know someone who’s been there...
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Dad
i didnt know you were looking for your Dad. There are people who can help you find him, have you asked anyone for help?
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Counting
Are you alone in the apartment or is someone home? i know they dont all understand properly, but when you feel this bad that doesnt matter as much as the fact that they want you to be ok and would most likely help you count.
Or talk with you or play games/watch tv/whatever with you to remind you that you are safe. And that the monsters can fuck off because they dont belong here and you have a...
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“Each time you are able to bear the pain of your feelings without hurting...”
– The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis (via healingquote)
Sharing a bloody blog.: majandrel:... →
majandrel:
indifferentshades:
majandrel:
indifferentshades:
I should had fucking mixed pills ugh
I take lots of pills too.
I’m still in pain because we’re out of what works and i can’t get them now so i don’t know what the Hell to do. My head is throbbing and my neck…
You’re both amazing.
But you know you’re hurting yourselves too so you’re not just helping...
so much love, so much pain, so much fucking food
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please
somebody stop me
i don care that i would still be a whore, just under someone else’s control
i cant take this anymore, cant live like this
if ikeep doing this there will be sometime when the part of me that wants me to die, that hates me WILL win, i will find a hole in my idiotic denial set-up, and it will take it and kill me. And im not even sure i care anymore, this is pointless and...
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im sorry
Did you get your doll?
Talking even to your doll, or out loud as if Michael or Richard (or someone you trust who you know cares about you and fully believes you can feel safe because they know the monsters are liars) are there.
Talk to keep yourself with the people who know you, in a place that you should be
instead of with the lying monsters who trick you.
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they are LIARS
majandrel:
Scared So much night to go The monsters are coming How will I survive?
Or am I not meant to survive Perhaps my destiny is to die.
breathe,
just breathe
then go somewhere else.
Or try talk to one of the others so that can keep you away.
They dont have to hurt you anymore. You dont deserve that, and it doesnt help anyone.
But i don’t think you remember that very well...
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climbing out: the worst kind of pathetic →
majandrel:
climbingout:
…and i know i dont deserve to be fixed…
You are very deserving
Only of very bad things.
Without the usual “does my butt look big in this” false modesty, i really really am not deserving. This is all my fault.
That’s what makes us so different. i was not left wanting.
ignore my stupid posts and keep fighting, working to find your way.
Selfish...
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the worst kind of pathetic
Where i know all my problems are because of me
i know that i need to change things
i know that the things i do are not good and i need to stop
i know i am the only one who can fix this
and i know i dont deserve to be fixed but have been given time and space to do so and should value it.
YET i continue with the same shit.
Because when it comes to it,
when i get that “do...
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